Lost.

I’m on the verge of stepping back into a life I once called home. I don’t know what to expect or how to prepare my heart. I am heading back to Portugal to help lead a mission trip. That is the purpose of my trip, but in the back of my mind I wonder what God will have to show me about where I’ve been and where I am. Most days I’m not really sure where I am as my heart feels incredibly torn. I am currently living in Denver Colorado where life seems to slowly be coming together.  I have friends, a house, a more than wonderful roommate, a car that God graciously provided, and a wonderful part time job at a coffee shop. Along with my Christian Associates job, my life feels incredibly full. Yet I keep wondering when my life here in Colorado will feel like home. I look around and I still feel lost. I picture my family going up north to the cabin in Michigan and feel like my heart is still there. I picture my walks by the sea and the coffees shared with dear friends in Portugal and I know that part of my heart is still there too. There are many days when I take time to be still that I find myself asking God: “ Where am I?” Where am I, seems like a strange question when my current geography is fixed, but it makes complete sense when I think about my heart. I am still not quite sure where my heart resides.

So as I try to prepare my heart for this trip, I take a moment and ask God the same question.  “God, where am I?” I hear no other answer beyond the fact that it simply doesn’t matter. God knows exactly where I am even when and especially when I feel lost. If nothing else, maybe that is what this season is about. Maybe God is teaching me that no matter what, no matter how I feel or what happens, God will always have me. He carries me when I feel confused and lost. He walks with me when I don’t know where I’m walking. He and his hands are big enough to hold me when I feel lost.  End of story: God has got me.

So as I think about the weeks to come in Portugal and that months and years that may stretch before me, I lean into the truth that no matter what, I am his and nothing can snatch me from his hand. Now that’s comfort. That is worth living for.