Lost.

I’m on the verge of stepping back into a life I once called home. I don’t know what to expect or how to prepare my heart. I am heading back to Portugal to help lead a mission trip. That is the purpose of my trip, but in the back of my mind I wonder what God will have to show me about where I’ve been and where I am. Most days I’m not really sure where I am as my heart feels incredibly torn. I am currently living in Denver Colorado where life seems to slowly be coming together.  I have friends, a house, a more than wonderful roommate, a car that God graciously provided, and a wonderful part time job at a coffee shop. Along with my Christian Associates job, my life feels incredibly full. Yet I keep wondering when my life here in Colorado will feel like home. I look around and I still feel lost. I picture my family going up north to the cabin in Michigan and feel like my heart is still there. I picture my walks by the sea and the coffees shared with dear friends in Portugal and I know that part of my heart is still there too. There are many days when I take time to be still that I find myself asking God: “ Where am I?” Where am I, seems like a strange question when my current geography is fixed, but it makes complete sense when I think about my heart. I am still not quite sure where my heart resides.

So as I try to prepare my heart for this trip, I take a moment and ask God the same question.  “God, where am I?” I hear no other answer beyond the fact that it simply doesn’t matter. God knows exactly where I am even when and especially when I feel lost. If nothing else, maybe that is what this season is about. Maybe God is teaching me that no matter what, no matter how I feel or what happens, God will always have me. He carries me when I feel confused and lost. He walks with me when I don’t know where I’m walking. He and his hands are big enough to hold me when I feel lost.  End of story: God has got me.

So as I think about the weeks to come in Portugal and that months and years that may stretch before me, I lean into the truth that no matter what, I am his and nothing can snatch me from his hand. Now that’s comfort. That is worth living for. 

Wherever you go.

So the last time that I wrote in my little blog, my adorable nephew was imploring me to be strong and courageous even in the midst of the many unknowns that were filling my life at that time. Even after that, I still had moments and actually still do, where I freak out as I face the uncertainties of the future. One of the reasons why I waited for so long to write was because I wanted to see how things were going to fall together before I filled everyone in. 

Last time I wrote, I was so excited to tell you about my new job at a local coffee shop. Well, it turns out that that job has been such an incredible blessing in my life. Out of all the coffee shops, I could have applied for, this particular coffee shop roasts and ships coffee to coffee shops all over the US. The pay is surprisingly more than what I could have hoped for and the people that I work with have been so welcoming and fun to work with. Kaladi Brothers Coffee is very quickly becoming my family here.

Another thing that I was trusting God for was someone to live with and a place to live. One day I thought to myself, I would love to live with someone who has lived internationally before and who could understand the challenges of entering back into one’s home culture again after a couple years away. I then met Michelle. Michelle, just moved back from the Czech Republic this past fall. She had been living with a family in the Denver area and was just starting to think about finding a place of her own.  Michelle lived with my friend Kara, who works for Christian Associates in Prague! This past summer, I went to visit my friend Kara in Prague and stayed in Michelle’s apartment, but never met Michelle! When Kara was in town briefly this past month, Michelle came to visit her, which is when I met Michelle for the first time. We hit it off and started looking for places to live!

Touring the neighbor hoods near my coffee shop, we stumbled upon this cute little house advertising a two bedroom apartment a bit above our price range! A very long story short, the landlord found out that both Michelle and I had been doing mission work in Europe and decided to rent the house to us for about 150 dollars less per month than what he had been asking. He told us that ten years ago, a church was started in that very living room!  Michelle and I see it as a tremendous blessing and clearly straight from the hand of God. The pictures speak of its charm, but I know that as we settle in, it will be a blessing to many many more!

Finally, a car was the last thing on the list! I still don’t have a car, but am borrowing a bike to tool around town, which surprisingly enough is quite feasible! But I am happy to say that with the combination of several abundant donations, a tax refund and some money saved, I have enough cash to purchase a mountain savvy car. I merely have to find one. I am trusting God in that too, knowing that as he has seamlessly pulled the many other details together, he will do it again with a trust worthy vehicle.

I guess more than anything else, this whole season, though very challenging has shown me that this God of mine is a living God who more than cares for all the little and big cares of my heart. As in the words of both the Joshua’s: “The Lord will be with you where ever you go!” He surely has been with me here!

Joshua.

In making the decision to leave Portugal for Colorado, I knew that the road connecting the two places would be a difficult one. I knew that going from feeling connected and at home in Portugal to feeling the same sense of belonging in Colorado would be a journey filled with dramatic ups and downs and unpredictable moments. The past month has been filled with just that.

The other day, following a conversation with my boss who has generously let me stay in his home with his wonderful family, I realized that I wasn’t doing so well. The worries about finding another part time job to balance my CAI income, a place to live and people to live with and a car were almost suffocating me. The pressures and ensuing needs of finding community and friends to create a support system were overwhelming. The fact that Portugal is still holding my heart was causing my emotions to run a little crazy as the fears of the future were reeking havoc as well.  I found myself in tears on the phone with friends and family, one of whom was my dear sister-in-law Rochelle. The next day, with the help of his parents, my beyond adorable nephew, Joshua, had memorized a Bible verse just for me and even managed to record it in hopes of being an encouragement to me.

I found myself in tears again for multiple reasons. First of all, he is so cute I just couldn’t help but cry as his most loving and proud Auntie. Second of all, his little words in the innocence of his voice, helped stir my heart to believe that what he was saying was actually true. That night, I listened to it over and over again, and as I did, I could feel my fears, doubts and worries slowly fade. I found that his little words built my faith to believe that God was still in this with me. Some where along the way, I had forgotten. I’m sure this is a reoccurring human experience, doubting what we know to be true, but I’m so glad that my little nephew was there to remind me.

Since then, I’ve continued to explore my new surroundings, build friendships, and try to figure out the remaining pieces to the puzzle. One of which, I am happy to say has recently come into to place. Last week with persistence and a brilliantly written essay submitted to a pretty grunge, vintage and happening coffee shop, I landed a new part time job! Starting next week I will be fully employed, part time with with Christian Associates International and part time with Kaladi Brothers Coffee! I’m going to be a real live Barista and I can’t wait! I still don’t know why they hired me as I have no crazy piercing or tattoos and no experience within the coffee industry, but I am so excited to learn about coffee, roasting, and drink preparation! I’m also so excited about the relationships I will get to be a part of not only with my fellow employees but also with the clientele that will inevitably darken the doors on a daily basis! I really feel like this job will be part of a healthy balance of administrative and relational roles for my new life in Denver!

As it stands, I am still looking for a few more pieces of the puzzle to fall into place, such as some good friends to live with, a place to live that is situated near my new coffee shop, some cheap furnishings for said apartment and a car that will be mountain savvy for future Rocky mountain adventures. However, though worry still threatens me, I know that God’s faithfulness, especially evidenced in this new job, will come through yet again in every other area necessary! Thanks for coming along with me on this journey as I attempt to live a life of faith in real ways! 

Colorado Landings.

Joshua and Me

 It’s hard to believe that it has only been just over a month since leaving Portugal. In some ways my cute little apartment by the sea seems like years ago, but in other ways it seems like only yesterday! So much has transpired since my last run by the Atlantic! I In December, I landed in the states, spent a few days in Denver dropping off stuff as well as getting a general lay of the land! I then flew home to spend a lovely month with my family over the Christmas holiday season! That time was filled with a solid week with my two adorable nephews, my always-fun brothers, my sweet sister-in-laws, my stable parents and even my little Chihuahua! I started to worry when after three weeks, not a snow flake had fallen to provide me with a fresh layer of white, but in the final week we received a healthy dump of Michigan’s finest snow fall which allowed me to go cross country skiing with some of my favorite people through some of my favorite woods! However, before I knew it, my frolicking in a winter wonderland had come to an end, and it was time to start my new adventure in Denver.

The Statema Ladies

I landed in Denver last week Saturday and I am happy to say that I have finally unpacked the last of the boxes I had shipped from Portugal!  I am currently living with my boss and his family in the basement of their lovely home in Littleton, Colorado, which is about 30 minutes south of downtown Denver. My little basement bedroom is now decorated with the few things I took back from Portugal, and it honestly feels like home! I will be staying with them for two months until I can figure out where exactly I want to live! They are also graciously letting me borrow their spare vehicle for a couple months so that I can hopefully save enough to buy one of my own!

Claire Callison and Me

Exploration has very much commenced, as I am a week into my time here in Colorado. I’ve been driving around, getting lost, checking out new trails systems, meeting lots of fun people, visiting new churches, and getting some quality time with my new family here! The girls and I the other day went on a little hike along the Platte River in the beautiful sunshine that seems to find Denver almost 300 days a year! I have also started working in my new role as the Short Term Trip Coordinator by narrowing down what exactly we will be offering for short-term trips this summer! I am so excited about this new role. I have seen the tremendous impact of short term trips in helping people begin to imagine what God might have planned for them and I am excited about facilitating and participating in what God is doing to call his people.

Even with all this excitement and change, I am very much aware that I am in a major life transition! This part of it is never easy, as I find myself in a new context feeling somewhat unknown by the people around me and feeling a bit lost as to what life is going to look like here. However, God has not left me without some familiarity. Through “random” connections within the neighborhood, I have already found volleyball team! I am playing in a four on four, indoor, beach volleyball league that plays weekly in a super cool warehouse that has wall to wall sand and makes me think that I am indeed still living by the sea. I am so excited that ministry will continue as I seek to build relationships within this new context and see where God takes them. Thanks so much for your prayers and support as I transition and as I continue to settle, raise support for my new role, and try to make life work here in Denver, Colorado!